Chris Barnes

My name is Chris Barnes. While MomTalk traditionally includes “conversations for, by and about mothers” of various aged children, I am happy to add my voice to this community as a dad. My wife and I are both public school educators. We live and work in Jacksonville, NC. I am a school administrator and my wife works with special needs children. We are both products of military families. We have three girls... or soon will. Our youngest is 3 and we have one on the way. Our oldest, Chan, just turned 13 and is a middle schooler (7th grade). Having a teenager in middle school and working with middle school aged students, I hope to be able to offer a perspective about parenting that is helpful to mothers… and fathers too here in Middleville! Back in the day we called it Junior High School… the school that was really a smaller or younger version of High School. For quite a while now we’ve called it “middle” school. I think “middle” school may be the better description of the age of the children if not the structure of the school itself. These kids, usually between the ages of 12 and 14, are really in the MIDDLE. No longer the little kids in the house. Not yet big enough to drive and be out and about on their own. Our middle school -aged children face a host of issues that are no different than when our parents and grandparents were early teens (puberty and body issues; the difficulty of relationships- teen to teen and teen to parent; goals and getting ready for the future). But they do face a set of really difficult challenges that my parents never faced (cyberbullying, texting and sexting, early and frequent exposure to destructive imagery related to sex, drugs, and alcohol; mental health issues; eating disorders…). With so many challenges, I appreciate the ability to read what other parents think about these issues at MomTalk and read what the experts say about related medical issues at O’Healthy . Middleville gives me an opportunity to discuss the challenges and triumphs of parenting a “middle” kid. With more than one child in the house, the things I write will be influenced by my experiences with all of my children and the children I work with on a daily basis.

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15 Going on Who Knows

A few years ago, birthday parties consisted of pointy hats, cheap pin the tail pinups, invitations, and cakes in the shape of Dora the Explorer and her pal Boots.   On a good year, there might be an actual piñata.  I can still remember Chan’s excitement as she opened the Hannah Montana karaoke gear complete with headset, costume and some form of bedazzled microphone.  Now turning 15, my teen is interested in having a very small party with a few friends going out to dinner.   This year her mom will take her and three friends to dinner, the bowling alley, and the movie theater.    Miley Cyrus gear has been replaced by itunes cards and gift cards to her favorite stores.

For adults and kids, tastes and interests certainly do change over time.   But for young people, it seems that each week can bring about drastically different likes and dislikes.   The move from childhood to preteen to teen is marked with big shifts and the ever increasing effort on the part of my child to individuate herself from me and her mom.  Teens staking themselves out on issues, taking on opinions different from parents, and shifting likes and dislikes in order to fit in with social teen norms is all part of a normal process.   Watching from birthday to birthday, the changes seem even more dramatic.   For some teens, the shifts are significant and dangerous with the exploration of drugs, alcohol and other destructive forces.    But for most teens this process will “only” involve some turmoil, attitudes, and argument.   Parents must remain vigilant and patient through the shifts, changes, and corrections.   Now I am wondering what fun my teen’s 16th birthday will bring a year from now.

How do you handle your teen’s desire to individuate?

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